For those that follow me on this blog know that I was laid off last Monday (3/29) and that I am pondering my next move.

Well, pondering is a VERY strong word.  Really, I’m doing normal things that most housewives/mothers/humans who have a life do: exercising, recovering from exercising, tweeting and watching Martha who makes me feel bad but it’s like an addiction, I keep going back.

I’ve been a Martha Stewart fan since the 80s and for the most part, besides her stint in jail and the foray into a daytime talk show, has been someone I admire very, very much. I watched her  original show every day, charter subscriber to all of her magazines; which now reside in the basement, collecting dust since I didn’t put them in proper homemade magazine cases or holders. This was just covered on the show this week.

Unfortunately, she disappointed me the one time that I came close to meeting her. OK, since you have asked, I’ll tell you about it and then back to my rant.

When I worked for Henri Bendel; my General Manager who was as big a Martha fan as I was, bought a table at a Lupus Foundation fund-raiser and it coincided with the release of one of her cookbooks.  We sat through a bad lunch at the Boston Copley Hotel, an even worse slide show from Martha about her gardens, and then waited in line for her to sign the book.  It was a huge turnout for her and we were towards the end of the line.  45 minutes later and 10 people away, Martha’s handlers announced that she was leaving, and wouldn’t be signing any more books.  With that, she got up from the table and left.  I stood there with my colleagues and our mouths hung open in shock. Disappointed just doesn’t describe it.  Devastated is more like it.

Back to the Hallmark Channel.

In my time off, I’m embarrassed to admit that I have watched a little too much TV and discovered the Hallmark Channel as it is hosting the old Martha Stewart Living episodes packaged in 1/2 hour segments as Martha’s Kitchen, Home, Garden.  I DVR them as I haven’t completely lost all focus on life and catch up when free at some point during the day or evening.  I adored this show and so glad that it is finally available to her fans.

However, her perfection makes me feel like shit.

Martha always looks good, hair is perfect-never behind in getting her roots done, clothes pressed, has amazing ideas that she executes to perfection and without perspiring or looking tired, or frustration.  Obviously, I realize she has a team of 400 who make it all look easy but let’s be fair, this woman gets some of the credit and has shed some blood, sweat and tears to get where she is.  It makes me think that I need to buckle down, get serious and move onto the “next step” whatever that might be.

Friends call my watching of Martha, ‘self flagellation” and they aren’t far from wrong. Martha does represent everything that I will never be good at: arts & crafts, scrapbooking, gardening, homekeeping and generally, perfection.  She has built an incredible empire that she also destroyed with her time in jail, but is terribly driven and successful which I admire. It gives me hope that I might somehow get my shit together and tackle whatever it is that she is doing!

So, I’ll continue to watch and feel bad about what I’m NOT doing, NOT accomplishing, until I turn her off.  And yes, I am watching her while writing this.  It’s a problem-I know.

Maybe I’ll start a support group.